Seeing Me
by SimplyBeingMe
Summary: "They see what they want to. Plain and simple. But what I wonder is how long will it take for them to see? Will they EVER begin seeing me?" James is broken. He doesn't know how to be fixed. He doesn't think anyone can fix him. But Katie proves she can at least hold him together for a while. But what happens when she can't keep him together anymore? Self-harm! Trigger warning!
1. How I Think

A/N Hey! New story, finally. I'm actually pretty proud of this one. So thanks for checking it out! There's not much here, but there is more to come! So.. Enjoy!

It's my escape.

From everything. Everyone.

No one understands. They don't get me. They only see my outside.

Even my best friends see just the pretty boy.

The jerk.

Player.

Stupid.

I play these angles. If that's what everyone wants to see, I should make sure it's all they see.

The shallow James.

Nothing more.

If they saw the real me, it would ruin all of us. Not only because I'm actually smart (Shocker!) and don't care how I look (Really?) so they'd lose their pretty boy in the band.

But because I'm broken.

I turn to my lighters and razors for comfort.

I haven't been eating, either.

But do they notice? No.

Long sleeves because I'm "cold" and claiming I'm on a strict "diet" for some shallow purpose. That seems to do the trick.

They see what they want to. Plain and simple.

But what I wonder is how long will it take for them to see? Will they EVER begin seeing me?

A/N This is just the beginning! I've got more, promise. I don't know what else to say but please keep reading! And review. Thanks! 


	2. No One Can Know

A/N Hey Guys! Here's the next part of Seeing Me. Hope you guys like it, cuz I really like this story! I admit, everyone's a little OOC. Except for maybe Katie. But I hope you like it anyways! So, enough of my babbling! On with the story! Rated M, just in case! Self-harm! Maybe romance later.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Big Time Rush or any of the characters in or mentioned in this story! I wish I owned or am on the show Big Time Rush, but I do not. Enjoy!

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"James? James!" Kendall's voice woke me up from my day dream. Or nightmare, depending on how you look at. I look up from my food (When did that get there?) to look at Kendall's worried face.

"What?" I ask, a little snappier than intended.

"You're not eating… Again." Carlos says, worried. That's when I look around the table. Kendall, Carlos, Logan and Katie are all looking at me, concerned.

I forced a laugh and smile. "Sorry, guys. Didn't get much sleep last night. I was memorizing my lines for the new movie I'm auditioning for. Guess I just spaced out thinking about it." At least half of that was true.

I didn't sleep at all last night. But I've barely touched the script, let alone started memorizing it. If any of them really found out about what I did last night… Well I don't know what I'd do. But I know they can't find out. Which is what I was just thinking about.

But my answer seemed to satisfy them. Except Katie. While my three best friends went back to their conversation, she continued watching me. Accusingly.

I quickly looked down at my food, which I still wasn't going to eat. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had finished eating and moved to the couch to play video games. Yet Katie kept watching me.

_What if she knows? Could she possibly have found out somehow? What would happen if she knew?_

I started absently rubbing my arm. But by the sharp intake of breath to my left, I'm afraid Katie saw. And that she now knows.

I slowly looked up into her face. Her mouth is hanging slightly open, her eyes wide with shock and fear.

I quickly stood up, grabbed my plate, dumped its contents into the garbage, and started towards the door. Not looking at Katie the whole time.

"James…" I hear whispered from behind me. The last thing I need is to see Katie looking worried and confused. But, regardless, I turn my head and saw what I had feared: Katie standing a few feet behind me with her arm slightly reaching forward.

"James!" Logan yells from behind Katie, on the couch. I snap my attention to him. "Where are you going?"

I smile, fake as always, and just as smug. "Pool, of course. New girl might be there. I intend to get her." I wink. They all laugh, clueless. They turn back to their game.

I take one last glance at Katie and walk out the door. Like I said, I'm heading to the pool. But it's not to find Katrina, the new girl. Yes, I do know her name. I just needed to get away. From all of them. Especially Katie.

So, as I settle into a lounge chair and close my eyes, I'm quite startled when I feel a hand on my arm. When I open my eyes and see it's Katie… Well, I don't know what to feel. I want to be angry at her, but I can't. Not at Katie.

"Hi, James." She says, smiling, sitting in the chair next to me. She may be smiling, but in her eyes I can still see the confusion and dread.

"Hey, Katie." I say with a sigh, not bothering to camouflage exhaustion. "What do you want?"

"Can I talk to you?" She looks around the crowded pool. "In private."

I just nod and follow her when she starts to walk to one of the tents. Once inside, she turns to me and she can barely hide behind her smile anymore. It breaks my heart. This is the reason I didn't want anyone to know.

I sigh and smile to help her feel better. "What is it, Katie?" I ask softly.

She swallows, nervous. "Do you…?" She began. "Are you…? Is there…?" She looks at my arm.

She knows. I could lie, I should lie, but I'm getting too tired. So I don't. "Yeah."

She gasps and tears instantly spring to her eyes. She holds out her hand for my arm. _I could stop this. Right now. Tell her I thought she meant something else._ But I can't. I put my arm in her hand. Slowly, without a word, she begins to roll up my sleeve.

_Stop her!_ My mind screams at me.

But I don't. As she reaches my elbow, I think she finally sees it. She clamps her hand over her mouth and slowly lowers herself to the couch behind her, still holding onto my arm. Slow tears roll down her face.

I know this is way too much to lay on a 14 year old girl, but I think I just needed to tell someone. I didn't want to, but I had to. It just happened to be her.

"Damn it, James." She whispers. I'm shocked at this. Never have I heard her cuss, even whispered. "Shit!" She said, clearly angry.

"Katie, I…" But I don't know what to say. I know she wanted an explanation, but I don't have one. "I'm sorry I put all this on you. Just forget it. Nothing happened." I pull down my sleeve, hoping she'll take it and leave.

She stands up. I hold my breath, waiting for what she's going to do. She simply shakes her head and wraps her arms around me. I'm shocked, and it takes me a minute, but I hug her back.

She eventually pulls back and sits back down, then gestures for me to do the same. So I sit down.

"Katie, I-" But she cuts me off.

"Stop. I don't need to know. As much as I want to, it's not my place to know. But you need to know. And I don't think you do."

I look down at my hands. She's right. I have no clue.

"So, if you're not going to tell someone above the age of 18, I will." She says.

"What? No. I can't. You can't. No one can know. Please." She waits patiently until I'm done ranting.

"Why can't anyone know?"

"They… I… I don't know. They just can't." I sigh. "I'm… content like this."

She looks at me for a second. Then shakes her head. "Damn it. You really are, aren't you?" She sighs. "But can't we tell my mom? Gustavo? Kelly? Someone! Even Bitters!"

I shake my head.

She sighs. "Okay. We won't tell anyone. I'll keep your secret on two conditions." I nod. "One, never go too far. God, please never go too far!" After a long pause from me, she says "James, if you don't agree, I'm telling mom right now." So, I nod. She sighs. "And two, if you ever want to do that," She gestures to my arm. "If you ever want to cut again, just come tell me. Please. I don't know how much I can do, but I know I can do something." I don't want to burden her like this every time I want to cut. So, I lie. I nod. She sighs, contentedly. "Good… Can we just sit here for a while?"

I smile, for real this time. "Sure. Come here." She moves over on the couch and rests her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her.

As she reaches for an apple on the table and takes a bite, I think of how much worse this could be if she finds out I have an eating disorder, too.

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A/N So I hope you liked it! Some things are off but I still hope you enjoyed it. More to come! Tell me what you think! Review please! (:


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